


I knew you couldn't stay (but you left me anyway)

by Cyanidal



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Biffa doesnt have an actual character tag and thats kinda sad honestly, Light Angst, Reminiscing, There's not much to tag for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:28:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27538366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyanidal/pseuds/Cyanidal
Summary: Xisuma was floored, staring at Biffa through his visor. The admin had eyed him carefully, wondering if it was a cruel joke. Biffa simply sighed, looking to the wall instead.“This just isn’t for me anymore.”
Comments: 7
Kudos: 41





	I knew you couldn't stay (but you left me anyway)

**Author's Note:**

> There's no outright pairing here but if you squint you could read it as past Xisuma/Biffa. Just know it wasn't written with that in mind, I'm still hesitant to write pairings between the hermits Minecraft personas (nothing against anyone who does, I love the fics. It's just my personal dilemma).
> 
> That said, this has been rotting in my docs so I'm posting before I scrap it altogether. This isn't beta read, I apologize, I have no one to beta for me. Feel free to point out errors (gently) to me.

Xisuma watched with a fond smile behind his helmet as his friends scattered, ready to explore this new world of theirs. Even the most stoic of the hermits could be found with a look of excitement in their eyes. He’d stand back and watch as they split into small groups among themselves to head various ways. A couple of people looked back at him expectantly but he simply shook his head, gesturing to the island they had spawned into. They didn’t ask any further questions, leaving their admin be.

As the admin watched them fade into the distance, communicator already dinging with messages among them all, his smile fell. Very few of the hermits knew the turmoil he went through every new world, the emotional toll it takes on him. And even those few don’t really know why. Xisuma couldn't explain it to them if he tried.

He walks to the far end of the small island, crouching closer to the sand. Xisuma pulls the glove off his right hand, burying it deep into the warm ground. He closed his eyes as he could feel his heart beating wildly, tears threatening to spill over. But he refused them briefly as he always would.

He pulls his hand out, taking a moment to smooth the ground over, before writing a large “7” into the ground. 7 worlds...8 if you count the failed one. It’s been so long since the very first, so many years since he’d been invited to join, greeted by warm smiles and cheerful hellos. It’d been so many years since that fateful conversation with Generik before he left without a trace. Xisuma had stepped up amidst the confusion, using the knowledge left to him by the former admin. He’d grown into the role now, a natural part of himself like it’d been something that was meant to be from the start.

That didn’t make things easier though.

He could recall every memory, engraved into his mind indefinitely. He could remember every person he recruited and the look of astonishment he’d receive in return. He could remember every conversation with someone before they’d leave for a variety of reasons. He could recall every time he had to share the news of someone's departure, a knife through the heart of everyone left behind.

This time hadn’t been any different from the start.

It was standard to go around and confirm that all the hermits would be going to the next world. It was the first time in a long time he allowed himself to hope that maybe they all would. He even had the word of older hermits who wished to return for the new adventure. Everyone had been excited, ready to go, and he'd allowed himself to breathe easily. Until he reached a certain friend of his.

Biffa told him no, with a sad smile.

Xisuma was floored, staring at Biffa through his visor. The admin had eyed him carefully, wondering if it was a cruel joke. Biffa simply sighed, looking to the wall instead.

“This just isn’t for me anymore.” His words had crushed the admin, but he knew nothing could be done. No matter how he tried, he’d never been able to convince anyone to stay. Not if they’d already decided.

And so Biffa left just as he said he would, slipping out during the final world save and the player data transfer. Nobody had asked yet, but he knew they would. Xisuma knew he had to tell them. It was his duty, even if it killed him from the inside out. For now, Xisuma let them believe that Biffa had only stepped back for a short while. (He told himself he wasn’t doing it for the sake of his own hope but that was a sad lie to even the inanimate surroundings).

Almost everyone from that first world had left by now, a sharper sting to his heart each time. He yearned for the past even if he refused to admit it to anyone.

He’d still asked Biffa that day, “Will you return?”

A short pause left the room cold, “No. I don’t plan to.”

Xisuma didn’t doubt it. It was a part of the job that couldn't be avoided. Yet it still left him torn as he pulled the helmet from his head, tears slowly falling now. He’d been warned back then by Generik, that this would take a toll on him. Xisuma grinned back at the old admin's warning of such an emotional toll, telling his mentor with certainty that he’d take whatever the universe could give. But he’d been young and naive, not knowing just how much it would destroy him.

Of course, he knew the other hermits felt similar. Seeing your friends leave wasn’t easy on any of them either and it made Xisuma feel guilty to think only of his own turmoil. So he’d never let them see it. They knew him as their strong admin and friend, a sturdy rock amidst the storms they faced together. Xisuma couldn’t take that ideal from them, so he toughed it out.

It was lonely moments like these, and only these, where he’d allow his true feelings to filter out. It felt like plants had made a home in his lungs, squeezing until there was no more air to give. Quiet sobs wracked his body as he allowed himself to once again mourn the departure of every friend. One face stood out but his tired mind refused to acknowledge its presence fully.

Just as he had many times before, he’d cry his eyes dry before standing once again. A gloved hand would wipe tear tracks from his cheeks before pulling his helmet back on. The bright and cheerful yellow was a stark contrast to the dull gray he felt. Xisuma sighed as the chat display filled up his visor, watching as his friends already began the chaos that would indefinitely reign. He’d begun his swim by then, heading the general direction of a coast. Seeing _Keralis1 was slain by Iskall85_ during his trek to land was as startling as it was amusing, panicked apologies sent by Iskall one after another. Somehow they could always make him feel somewhat better, even inadvertently.

But Xisuma knows something the others don’t, and probably never will. An admin's duties are unending unless passed to a new person or the closure of a server, even if no other players remain. It's another warning Generik had left him but he’d taken the position regardless, refusing to make Generik stay in search of someone else to fit the role. Even as his heart ached harshly he never regretted that choice years ago.

So he watches as his friends - his family - laugh together, ready to once again test the limits of what's possible and push past them with brute force. No, Xisuma could never regret this, even as the heartbreak of Biffa leaving remains fresh in his mind.

Every memory of past friends remains heavy in his soul and painful in his bones, unmatched by any physical pain he could encounter. Xisuma knows he’ll forever be haunted by that gentle smile and somehow that's the worst thing of all.

**Author's Note:**

> I totally didn't write this because I've been watching Hermitcraft since Season 4 and miss those that have left. Noo, couldn't be me, never!


End file.
